


The anti-curtain fic

by Janice_Lester



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: Domestic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-30
Updated: 2011-05-30
Packaged: 2018-02-26 08:05:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2644361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janice_Lester/pseuds/Janice_Lester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zach wants to buy curtains.  This worries Chris, who calls Karl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The anti-curtain fic

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://belladonnamccoy.livejournal.com/profile)[**belladonnamccoy**](http://belladonnamccoy.livejournal.com/), who [wanted 'domesticity'](http://belladonnamccoy.livejournal.com/5168.html?thread=11824#t11824) for round four of the Five Acts Meme. Beta'd by the charming [](http://ellethill.livejournal.com/profile)[ellethill](http://ellethill.livejournal.com/).

“K-ar-ar-ar-ar-l,” Chris whines, into his phone.

“What is this, talk like a pirate day or something?”

“Ha ha,” Chris snaps, and then reconsiders. “Harrr, harrrr,” he repeats, more happily.

“Cute. Do you know what time it is, mate?”

Chris glances at the clock. “Ten o’clock. Why?”

“I’ll take that as a ‘no, Karl, I have conveniently not recalled that the entire Earth does not coexist in the one timezone’.”

“Oh.” Embarrassment coils low in Chris’s stomach. “Whoops. Sorry, man. Did I wake you?”

Karl yawns. “You interrupted a long and sleepless night, in actual fact. I don’t sleep well when the wife’s away up north. So, is this a social call? An acting emergency? They’ve sent you a script treatment for the heretofore mythical _Trek 4_ and you’ve found out our characters are fucking like rabbits?”

“Actually, I wanted some relationship advice.”

“I’m straight, Chris. If you need advice about your sexual technique, I am really not your—”

“No, I… it’s more serious than that. It’s about curtains.”

There’s a silence, and then a rustling as if Karl is adjusting his position in bed or whatever. “Curtains,” he repeats.

“And carpet. And bedspreads. And wallpaper. And—”

“I get the idea, Pine. The big emergency has something to do with interior design. And I’m still not seeing how your friendly Uncle Karl is the guy to be coming to for this.”

Chris sighs. “Well, I figured since you’ve been married so long, you must have been through this. Zach wants to redecorate our place, and he keeps _asking my advice_. And he’s expecting me to have _opinions_. You know, about whether the ‘stone’ or the ‘camel’ is the better choice for the scotias. I don’t even know what scotias _are_ , Karl! I’m in way over my head here!”

Karl laughs softly. “What, you think he’s going to leave you if you don’t have firm opinions on the most fashionable choice of table linens?”

“Oh, God, table linens. We haven’t got to those yet. Any day now, I suppose…”

“Look,” Karl says firmly, “this is what I do. Listen. Don’t fake interest you’re not feeling, but do listen to get the gist of what you’re being told. Then say that you don’t really have any strong opinions on the matter, and you’re sure whatever he chooses will be fine. Give him a kiss. He’ll argue about how it’s your home too and he needs your input and you don’t need to know anything about current fashions in home decorating to know what you like and come on, Karl—er, Chris—please do _try_ to form an opinion. Then he will probably try to drag you out shopping, and it will be a _very_ long and boring trip during which arguments are bound to occur. So you want to avoid that at all costs. Offer to get to work around the house doing the prep work, stripping wallpaper or something, while _he_ goes out shopping, and see if you can’t persuade Zach to bring home samples of his top two choices for everything for you to choose from. That way you’re guaranteed not to pick something at random that he absolutely hates, because he’s only showing you his actual favourites. If the conversation looks like going on too long—which can lead to stupid arguments—you’ll want to distract him with a nice massage, or sex, or dinner, or something. Okay?”

“Wow,” Chris breathes. “Hang on, I think I need to take some notes…”

He hears laughter, and then nothing. Karl has hung up.

“Thank you, Uncle Karl,” Chris says, into the silence.

***

To Chris’s complete surprise, and enormous relief, Karl’s plan works splendidly. There are no arguments, and Chris doesn’t have to join the shopping expedition, and the evening ends with Zach having decided on their new colour scheme. He may have to send Karl Urban something. A scale model of the _Enterprise_? No, pretty sure he’s already got one of those. Do they make life-size figures of Karl-as-Judge-Dredd?

***

“So,” Zach says lazily, when they’ve each had one blowjob and a glass or two of a rather nice red, “do you want to tell me who my fairy gaymother is here?”

Chris blinks. He’s still not sure what’s wrong with _this_ bedspread. “Huh?”

“Someone’s been giving you advice on interior design since the last time we discussed it. You actually seemed like you knew what you were talking about, today.”

“You mean I agreed with you,” Chris says, before he thinks.

But Zach only flicks his ear and laughs. “Don’t worry, Pine. When it comes time to stock our library, you’ll be in charge of that project.”

“We’re getting a library?”

“Sure. That’s why we’re knocking down the wall between the second bedroom and that pokey little office.”

“We’re doing WHAT?”

“Oh, relax, Pine. We won’t do it ourselves, with claw hammers. We’ll get in some sexy little labourers in jeans and plaid shirts, and we’ll supervise them working hard and getting all sweaty and bending over a lot. It’ll be rewarding for all concerned.”

Chris begins to see another call to Karl coming on. This time, though, he’ll go online and check out the timezone thing first. Well, if he remembers, anyway.

***END***


End file.
